Month: May 2026

The Sandwich Years

Posted on by The Retired Alchemist

The sandwich years. Most of us experience them at some point in our lives. They are those years when we are pulled between caring for children and caring for aging parents. Or, for those of us that experience the good fortune of having our parents live long enough, the sandwich years may be the push/pull between being involved with our grown children and grandchildren’s lives and caring for our aging parents. Either way, it is a tug of war with our time and energy. Not to mention our heart.

These are people that we care deeply about and want to spend time with. People that we want to give the best of ourselves to. But we run short on hours and energy. We spread ourselves too thin and it leaves precious little time to nurture ourselves. Then, we are no longer giving our best selves to them. We are just giving little fragments of ourselves. Finding the balance is key. It is like finding the balance to the ingredients for a perfect sandwich. Not all of the amounts are equal, but when they come together, they make a fulfilling whole.

Creating a quality sandwich

When we are in the caregiver role, we want to make a difference. We want to do something that matters and makes them feel better, either physically or emotionally. After all, we would not be doing this if we did not have the best of intentions and want to take good care of our loved ones. However, some things are more meaningful and have a greater impact than others. So, I thought I would share a few tips that have worked for me, both as a nurse and as someone who has spent a lot of time caring for children and aging parents.

  • When you are with them, make it quality. Give them total focus and let it be about them. For elders, it means asking questions and listening to their responses. Encourage them to share their life stories…. again, and again. It gives them the opportunity to review their life and find meaning. It is an important part of the closure process. Let them know how their presence in your life has changed you, or what it has meant to you. Share with them what you are grateful for about them. If it is a child, look them in the eye. Same thing – ask open ended questions and listen. Their responses will be much shorter and be prepared to laugh. Remember Art Linkletter’s show, Children Say the Darndest and Wildest Things?
Being with grandchildren lightens our world.
  • Sit down. When I was teaching nursing at the college I tried to stress to my students the importance of quality time with their patients. To drive this home, I told them about a research study that was performed with patients that were in the hospital. In the first group, the physicians would come in and spend ten minutes with the patient. They would stand the entire time. In the second group the physicians spent the same 10 minutes with the patient, but they sat down next to them during their visit. Afterwards, both groups of patients were asked how long the physician stayed. As expected, the first group said, about 10 minutes. But, when the second group was asked the same question, they said about 20 minutes. It felt twice as long when the physicians just sat down and looked their patients in the eye. Enough said.
  • Breaking bread together. Sharing food is connection, no matter what your age. After over 72 years of sharing meals with my mom, it was hard for my dad to eat alone. He always enjoys it when we sit down and eat with him. And what little one doesn’t love a special treat, like going out for ice-cream or spreading a blanket on the grass and having a picnic together? Time shared over food bonds people. Always has.
My sister and I sharing a Mother’s Day tea with my dad last week.
  • Meaningful touch. People need human touch. Particularly the elderly because they do not experience it as often. A gentle hand on the arm, a warm embrace or holding a fragile hand in your own can calm the nervous system by lowering cortisol (the stress hormone) and releasing oxytocin and dopamine (our feel-good hormones). There have been copious amounts of research on the importance of human touch. A lack of human touch can contribute to anxiety, depression and a lowered immune system. So, reach out, even if it feels awkward or uncomfortable at first.
  • Care for the caregiver. This is last on the list, but certainly not least. Take time away for yourself. Intentionally choose to do something that refreshes your mind and spirit. As the old sayings goes, you cannot pour from an empty cup. Make sure to take time to process your feelings, because you don’t want to hold them in and get all clogged up inside. With aging parents, we often have feelings of anxiety, guilt or fear. It helps to release them. This can be done through journaling, prayer or just talking to someone you trust. You may have to set boundaries on when you are available. Even if they do not push the boundaries, we often do it ourselves. When you leave, it helps to let them know when you will be back and then stick to it.
Being out on the water and journaling are two ways I care for myself.

The circle of life

Spending time with my one-year-old grandson and then going to see my 99-year-old dad, has given me an abrupt awareness of the circle of life. (They are seen together in the above feature photo.) Both give me so much. I am richer in spirit by being with both my dad and my grands. Spending time with our aging parents teaches us wisdom, patience and an awareness of the fragility of life. Being with our grandchildren balances the equation and teaches us to see the world with awe, laughter, fun and excitement for the future. Both of them teach us the significance of deep love, and the awareness to appreciate every moment… to find wonder in the little things. And as tiring and exhausting as it can be, I always walk away knowing that I received much more than I gave.

The circle of life is a hard, beautiful thing.

For the Moms

Posted on by The Retired Alchemist

If I could give a Mother’s Day gift to all of the mom’s out there, it would be the book, Gift From the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh. This little gem was first published in 1955, but the insights on life as a mother are timeless. Maybe more so in this complex, overdriven, high expectation life that modern day mothers find themselves thrust into.

Anne was a pioneering aviator, writer, mother of five children and wife to the famous Charles Lindbergh. She understood the demands that come from all directions on mothers – the constant pull on their time and the deep desire to nurture everyone else. It leaves little left over for oneself.

“Even those (other mothers) whose lives had appeared to be ticking imperturbably under their smiling clock-faces were often trying, like me, to evolve another rhythm with more creative pauses in it, more adjustment to their individual needs, and new and more alive relationships to themselves as well as others.”

Gift From the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh

This book sits on my office shelf – a gift from my mom, with her handwritten inscription on the inside cover.

Being a mom

Being a mother is one of the greatest privileges of a woman’s life. But, from the very first time you hold that precious child in your arms, you realize the weight of responsibility. You become acutely aware that, as a mother, you hold the key to keeping this little being alive. There is an undeniable compulsion to protect him/her from the harsh world that they were born into, both physically and emotionally.

Our deepest desire, aside from the health and safety of their bodies and souls, is that they are happy. Ask any mom what she wants for her children and she will tell you, “I just want them to be happy.” And not just surface happy, but deep down in their gut happy. In an effort to care for them and secure their happiness, we make mistakes along the way. No perfect moms, despite our best efforts. Our parenting is often a product of our culture at the time too. Remember Dr. Spock?

As mothers, we sacrifice our time, sleep, and very being to care for our children. So much so that we forget the balance… that our children need to see us happy too. They need to see us living our lives with joy. Moms in the throes of raising children need to find the space to refresh their souls too. And not just on Mother’s Day.

That is what Lindbergh’s book gently points out. She takes a vacation alone to the ocean to rediscover herself. Through the analogy of the shells she gathers from the beach, she searches for the delicate balance of raising children but not losing herself in the process. Seeking that balance is timeless.

Being a grandma

Most grandparents do not care for their grands 24/7, so it is easier for us to strike that balance of time for ourselves, and time to give our grandchildren. We can slow down when we are with them to see the world through their eyes. They help us see the color of the caterpillar, the path the ants left marching across the sand, or the ripples spread by tossing a pebble in the water. We enter their world of imagination with them.

In these moments, we have time to gaze into their eyes as they talk and we listen. Really listen, because, as grandparents, we know that we will have time to do the wash, clean the house and pay the bills later after they leave. We are not pulled in ten different directions when we are with them, and that is the blessing that comes back to us in these later years as a grandma.

What a gift to be just a little part of our grandchildren’s lives.

Happy Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is a celebration of women. Women who have given a part of themselves for other people. We carry that desire to nurture others with us wherever we go in this world. We love deeply. We weep for a world where children are hurting or hungry. We see the homeless person curled up on the sidewalk and think, that person has a mother out there somewhere. We love the world with a mother’s heart, whether we are a mom physically or not.

So, whether you are a mother, or struggling with the desire to be a mother, have tragically lost a child, or have cared for people with a mother heart, you have had the privilege of sharing a woman’s love with the world. The kind of love that soothes the wounds of life. And that, is something worth celebrating, so Happy Mother’s Day to all women!

Day Trippin

Posted on by The Retired Alchemist

Sometimes we just don’t have the luxury of taking a long, exotic vacation. It could be due to time, money or other commitments. However, we can still get that same sense of freedom, creative inspiration and stress release by staying closer to home. We can go day trippin. According to our new trusted friend AI, a day-tripper is “a person who takes a pleasure trip, excursion or recreational visit to a place – such as a beach, city or tourist attraction – and returns home on the same day, without staying overnight.” And you thought it was about hallucinogens.

What are the benefits of day trippin you ask. First, it is much cheaper than driving hundreds of miles or flying across several states. You don’t have to spend hours in an airport, feeling like a cow being herded to the next destination, only to find out your flight has been delayed, and you will likely miss your connecting flight. It is less stress than planning and executing a long trip. You get to explore places in your own back yard that you may never have seen before. Bonus if you are retired and can go on a weekday when it is not so busy. And finally, at the end of the day, you get to sleep in your own bed.

The Pulaski Trail

Spring has sprung and so has the beauty of nature. I feel pulled to get out there and experience it. To let the fresh air fill my lungs and the bright colors stir my creative soul. So, Mr. U and I decided that we would try to go on one day trippin adventure per week through the summer. That means we will be lucky to get in one a month, but aim high, right? Last week we decided to explore the Pulaski Trail, which is less than an hour from our house. How have we never seen this beautiful piece of history before?

The beginning of the Pulaski Trail.

We wanted our day trip adventure to include being out in nature and getting some exercise. Just Google hiking trails near me and you may be surprised what shows up. We chose the Pulaski Trail because it was less than an hour away and included a 2-mile hike. Never mind that I should have read the entire description carefully because it was a 4-mile hike round trip… with quite an elevation near the top of it. Oh well, part of the adventure is the element of surprise. It was gorgeous.

The majority of the trail is along the West Fork of Placer Creek.
The Pulaski tool.

The Pulaski Tunnel Trail follows the route that Edward Pulaski traversed to escape the Great Fire of 1910. He and his firefighting crew were caught in unexpected high winds that blazed rapidly through the forest. With his quick action and knowledge of the territory he led them through the thick smoke up a creek to an old mine tunnel where they sought shelter from the billowing smoke and flames. He is credited with saving all but six of his 45 men crew.

The Pulaski tool, invented by Edward Pulaski, was designed to create fire lines, clear brush and dig in hard soil to blaze trails. Several of these tools hung on posts along the trail in tribute to him.

We made it to the overlook of the mine tunnel, now almost overgrown with moss and vegetation.

Beauty from ashes

As with much of life, over time, beauty and good will arise from the ashes. The Pulaski Trail is just one example of how time heals. What was once burnt trees and thick gray ash is now a forest full of green moss, ferns, colorful wildflowers and waterfalls splashing over rocks and logs. Like anyone that has been through trauma or a deep loss, you are not the same afterwards. You never will be. However, time molds our lives and beauty, and joy will rise from the ashes.

The winter run off made for beautiful waterfalls along the trail.

So, as you consider travel this summer, don’t forget to look in your own back yard. We often fail to explore the very places that are close by yet rich in beauty and history. Plan a few day trippin adventures in your own neck of the woods and you might be pleasantly surprised what you find. Just don’t forget to read the description thoroughly first.

Cheers to the retirement years!