Wellness

The Sandwich Years

Posted on by The Retired Alchemist

The sandwich years. Most of us experience them at some point in our lives. They are those years when we are pulled between caring for children and caring for aging parents. Or, for those of us that experience the good fortune of having our parents live long enough, the sandwich years may be the push/pull between being involved with our grown children and grandchildren’s lives and caring for our aging parents. Either way, it is a tug of war with our time and energy. Not to mention our heart.

These are people that we care deeply about and want to spend time with. People that we want to give the best of ourselves to. But we run short on hours and energy. We spread ourselves too thin and it leaves precious little time to nurture ourselves. Then, we are no longer giving our best selves to them. We are just giving little fragments of ourselves. Finding the balance is key. It is like finding the balance to the ingredients for a perfect sandwich. Not all of the amounts are equal, but when they come together, they make a fulfilling whole.

Creating a quality sandwich

When we are in the caregiver role, we want to make a difference. We want to do something that matters and makes them feel better, either physically or emotionally. After all, we would not be doing this if we did not have the best of intentions and want to take good care of our loved ones. However, some things are more meaningful and have a greater impact than others. So, I thought I would share a few tips that have worked for me, both as a nurse and as someone who has spent a lot of time caring for children and aging parents.

  • When you are with them, make it quality. Give them total focus and let it be about them. For elders, it means asking questions and listening to their responses. Encourage them to share their life stories…. again, and again. It gives them the opportunity to review their life and find meaning. It is an important part of the closure process. Let them know how their presence in your life has changed you, or what it has meant to you. Share with them what you are grateful for about them. If it is a child, look them in the eye. Same thing – ask open ended questions and listen. Their responses will be much shorter and be prepared to laugh. Remember Art Linkletter’s show, Children Say the Darndest and Wildest Things?
Being with grandchildren lightens our world.
  • Sit down. When I was teaching nursing at the college I tried to stress to my students the importance of quality time with their patients. To drive this home, I told them about a research study that was performed with patients that were in the hospital. In the first group, the physicians would come in and spend ten minutes with the patient. They would stand the entire time. In the second group the physicians spent the same 10 minutes with the patient, but they sat down next to them during their visit. Afterwards, both groups of patients were asked how long the physician stayed. As expected, the first group said, about 10 minutes. But, when the second group was asked the same question, they said about 20 minutes. It felt twice as long when the physicians just sat down and looked their patients in the eye. Enough said.
  • Breaking bread together. Sharing food is connection, no matter what your age. After over 72 years of sharing meals with my mom, it was hard for my dad to eat alone. He always enjoys it when we sit down and eat with him. And what little one doesn’t love a special treat, like going out for ice-cream or spreading a blanket on the grass and having a picnic together? Time shared over food bonds people. Always has.
My sister and I sharing a Mother’s Day tea with my dad last week.
  • Meaningful touch. People need human touch. Particularly the elderly because they do not experience it as often. A gentle hand on the arm, a warm embrace or holding a fragile hand in your own can calm the nervous system by lowering cortisol (the stress hormone) and releasing oxytocin and dopamine (our feel-good hormones). There have been copious amounts of research on the importance of human touch. A lack of human touch can contribute to anxiety, depression and a lowered immune system. So, reach out, even if it feels awkward or uncomfortable at first.
  • Care for the caregiver. This is last on the list, but certainly not least. Take time away for yourself. Intentionally choose to do something that refreshes your mind and spirit. As the old sayings goes, you cannot pour from an empty cup. Make sure to take time to process your feelings, because you don’t want to hold them in and get all clogged up inside. With aging parents, we often have feelings of anxiety, guilt or fear. It helps to release them. This can be done through journaling, prayer or just talking to someone you trust. You may have to set boundaries on when you are available. Even if they do not push the boundaries, we often do it ourselves. When you leave, it helps to let them know when you will be back and then stick to it.
Being out on the water and journaling are two ways I care for myself.

The circle of life

Spending time with my one-year-old grandson and then going to see my 99-year-old dad, has given me an abrupt awareness of the circle of life. (They are seen together in the above feature photo.) Both give me so much. I am richer in spirit by being with both my dad and my grands. Spending time with our aging parents teaches us wisdom, patience and an awareness of the fragility of life. Being with our grandchildren balances the equation and teaches us to see the world with awe, laughter, fun and excitement for the future. Both of them teach us the significance of deep love, and the awareness to appreciate every moment… to find wonder in the little things. And as tiring and exhausting as it can be, I always walk away knowing that I received much more than I gave.

The circle of life is a hard, beautiful thing.

A Broken System

Posted on by The Retired Alchemist

This is the inevitable fact of aging… we are going to need health care. It does not matter how many squats you do or how much broccoli you eat, it you live long enough you will need to access the healthcare system. I have worked in healthcare my entire adult career and I have seen enormous changes over the years. An appendectomy used to require an incision, and a five day stay at the hospital. Now it is done with a scope, and you go home the same day. Advances in healthcare have been amazing and will continue to benefit us. On the other hand, healthcare has also declined – often referred to as a broken system.

Put on your best old geezer voice and say, “well… it wasn’t like that back in the old days.”

My recent rub with a broken system

A few weeks ago, I needed to go to urgent care for a minor issue. I checked in with the friendly clerk who was having trouble with the computer system. I knew I was in for a long haul when I looked around the waiting room and realized I would be about the 9th person to be seen.

You see a very raw cross section of humanity in emergency and urgent care waiting rooms. After all, everyone seeks healthcare at some point. We often insulate ourselves in our little world of friends and family – people who have similar values and lifestyles as us. But a waiting room throws all of humanity together, when they are not feeling their best, in a little enclosed box.

Two people were in masks and coughing. Then in walks an older woman with matted hair, coughing and hacking. She was clearly ill. When asked to wear a mask, she waived it off. The clerk firmly told her she needed to if she wanted to be seen, so the woman held a mask up loosely over her face while germs spewed out the sides. I am not here to debate COVID or requiring people to wear masks. I will leave that for people with tougher skin than me. I am just suggesting that we respect other human beings and try not to spread our germs.

After a two hour wait, I was seen by a competent nurse practitioner (NP) who was clearly overloaded. My visit was quick once I was finally seen and I was grateful to get out of there without catching something else. I recovered and then about a week later, I sadly found myself back in an ER waiting room.

My 2nd rub with a broken system

Shortly after my experience at the quick care, I received that dreaded late night phone call. My sister was on the other end of the line and said dad was headed to the E.R. I have written about my dad several times: Tucked Away up North, Heading to the Hills, The Great Columbia River Gorge, and Two Words to Maintain Your Health. He is one of the good ones.

He was the rock of my childhood and has been our entire families’ example of how to live life with integrity, wisdom, commitment, faith and a little humor sprinkled in. While my dad is 98 years old, he has been very healthy. Until recently, when the very thing he dreaded happened… he fell and broke his hip.

It was a Friday evening and the E.R. was buzzing. Patients were left on gurneys in the hallways because the beds were full. Hospital staff stopped by briefly but most whizzed past us to care for more urgent patients or were glued to their computers at the nurse’s station. As you know, it is heart breaking to see someone you love in pain, especially when you can’t do anything about it.

Like any profession, there are some excellent health care providers and some that are just there to get their paycheck. Most are friendly and competent… and all appear to be overworked. When you are ill and at your most vulnerable, you are thrown into this overstressed healthcare system. You are at the mercy of overworked healthcare providers who are trying to do their best but are spread too thin.

Once admitted to the hospital, you may have a surgeon, a hospitalist, NP or PA, and perhaps a specialist. You also have an RN, several CNAs that move in and out, a team that turns patients, one that starts the IVs, respiratory and physical therapists that tend to those specific body functions, a transport team that moves patients between units, and still another person that does the discharge planning. We were never clear on who had the overall picture. It felt like a very disjointed mix of care. And this is coming from someone who has a pretty good understanding of healthcare.

Why the system broke

People that go into healthcare do so because they want to make a difference in people’s lives. I know that was the catalyst for me. Sadly, as with most things in life, money has become the driving force in healthcare. There are too many people that are uninsured and those that are do not have much control. The insurance companies and Medicare determine which providers you can see (in network), what tests are allowed (i.e. what they will cover), how long a patient can stay in the hospital, and ultimately the number of staff a hospital can afford. Litigation has also driven up costs, which includes not just the process itself, but the costs behind the scenes to monitor and prevent it, as well as the common practice of defensive medicine.

Many competent people left the healthcare professions during COVID, deciding it was not worth the heartache and risk. Those that stayed were then short staffed. This increases workplace stress, medical errors and burnout. The main reason people leave the healthcare profession is not because they suddenly do not like their chosen profession, but because they cannot provide the kind of care that was the very reason they went into the profession to start with. It is a broken system that affects all of us.

Healing

The healthcare system is very complicated with thousands of moving parts. The upside is that technological advances continue to improve it. But more importantly, the broken system is made up of many wonderful healthcare providers who are doing their best. Healing comes from competent people who truly care about their patients. My dad’s surgery went well, and he is in the slow process of healing, thanks to some very skilled providers.

On a happier note, March madness is in full swing. My team fell out in the second round of the Big Dance, so now I am rooting for Arizona. Go Wildcats! I am still hopeful that my bracket will stay strong in the family bracket competition so I can get some of that money back from my kids that I put into braces, sports camps and college tuition. 😊

In early March we traveled down to Las Vegas with my brother and SIL to see the Zags win the WCC Tournament.
While we were there, we went to see The Wizard of Oz at Sphere. It was a magical experience.

And… I think spring might finally be on the way. The days are getting longer, and the daffodils are getting ready to bloom. Hope rises.

Signs of spring.

The Staff of Life

Posted on by The Retired Alchemist

It is winter here in the north. The temperatures hover in the low 30’s and we often wake up to a blanket of snow. It is the kind of weather that makes you want to curl up by the fire and read. It is also the kind of weather that calls for a big pot of homemade soup and a slice of warm bread. Except that, apparently bread is public enemy number one now. Cottage cheese used to be, but it is in style again.

Bread has been given a bum rap. Who doesn’t love a slice of warm bread, fresh out of the oven, with a little butter slathered on top? Now people act like you are trying to poison them if you offer them a dinner roll. But the next morning they will eat a stack of pancakes. Hum…

Long ago, bread was considered the staff of life. It has been a staple of the human diet since biblical times. Back when bread was hearty. But slowly, starting in the early 20th century, white bread came into the picture. That is when bread transitioned from a whole grain product to a highly processed loaf of chemicals; all designed to decrease costs and increase shelf life. And people bought in fully. Factory made sliced bread became a huge convenience for people. After all, you have heard the sayings, “it is the best thing since sliced bread.”

A childhood with homemade bread

My mom made almost everything from scratch. We ate from my dad’s garden, our freezer was full of beef from a friend’s small cattle ranch, and my mom preserved peaches, pears and jam for the winter months. My siblings and I remember the big crock of “housewife pickles” sitting in the cupboard. We lived eating organic food long before it was in style. Ultra-processed food was rare at our home growing up. I am quite sure that is a large part of why my siblings and I are experiencing robust, health in retirement.

Every week, without fail, my mom made a huge batch of homemade bread. She would move through the kitchen with ease, tossing ingredients together, rolling and folding dough, while the local radio station played in the background. We had a couple miniature bread pans tucked away in the cupboard and sometimes I would get to knead a little chunk of dough and make my own mini loaf of bread. My mouth was drooling and my heart was bursting with pride when she pulled that little golden loaf out of the oven.

If we were lucky, bread baking day included warm rolls for dinner that night and cinnamon rolls, dripping with frosting, the next morning. My siblings and I clamored and argued over who got the cinnamon rolls with the soft, gooey centers… back before white flour became enemy number one.

When son #1 was home this winter he made homemade cinnamon rolls (left) and raspberry rolls with cream cheese frosting (right). Apparently, he inherited my mom’s baking skills. Soooo good.

Homemade bread was a treat hot out of the oven at home. Not so much in the brown sack lunches we carried to school the rest of the week. Oh, it was still delicious, but those chunky uneven slices of bread with leftover beef and a slice of cheese (not Velveeta) weren’t “cool.” Thin slices of Wonder bread were cool. My slice of homemade cake wrapped in wax paper was not as cool as a pre-wrapped Hostess cupcake either. I would try desperately to trade it for a Twinkie or Ding Dong. We did not know what we had back then. What I wouldn’t give to have a slice of my mom’s homemade bread today.

How did bread get a bad reputation?

Industrialization ruined bread, as it has done to many foods. Flour was refined, bleached and stripped of all of its’ nutrients and fiber. Then conditioners and preservatives were added, and the dough was “enriched” with some of the nutrients that were lost in the refining process. Time went on and people began craving this soft, white sliced plastic bread that would last on your shelf for weeks before it got moldy.

Then came the low carb diet craze and bread was viewed as one of the “bad” foods, thanks to factory produced sliced white bread. It is high in the kind of carbs that cause a quick rise in your blood sugar (one of the top culprits on the Glycemic Index). Common, factory produced white bread has too many calories and not enough fiber, vitamins and minerals. Of course, this is because processing of the wheat kernel took all of that out of it. Then they tried to put it back in. Ridiculous when you think of it.

Making your own bread is satisfying and then you can control the ingredients that go into it.
My favorite bread recipe, can you tell? You can adjust the ratio of white to whole wheat flour however you like.

Ways to still enjoy the staff of life

If you love bread but have been depriving yourself of it, you can stop. We do not need to eliminate bread from a healthy diet (unless you have celiac disease or a wheat allergy). There are several ways to include bread in your diet without guilt. The first option is to eat mostly whole grain. Whole wheat bread has retained most of the wheat kernel’s valuable nutrients and fiber. It causes a much slower release of sugar into the blood stream.

If you don’t like whole grain bread, consider sourdough instead. I am sure you have seen all of the beautiful loaves of homemade sourdough bread on the internet. It has become a popular hobby. While sourdough bread is made with white flour, the sourdough starter creates a lower glycemic index in the bread, which makes it a healthier option than regular sliced white bread.

Another consideration is to eat some protein when you have bread. I know, protein is all the craze now. But if you eat it with bread, the protein will help slow digestion which prevents that quick spike in blood sugar.

Also, I recently learned that freezing your bread before you eat it tends to lower the glycemic index. Apparently, the process of freezing it causes “starch retrogradation.” Bonus if you freeze it, thaw it and then toast it (more starch retrogradation). Good news for homemade bread since it does not have all of the preservatives in it to increase the shelf life. Just keep it in the freezer and pull out as needed.

The final key to eating bread is to enjoy it… in Moderation. Almost anything can be unhealthy for you if you eat too much of it. Life is short… enjoy the bread!

The Key to Curing Seasonal Depression

Posted on by The Retired Alchemist

The beginning of winter is a great excuse to hunker down, start a fire and cozy up with a good book. The first snowfall or two are magical. But when it drags on and on for weeks on end, it sucks the happiness right out of your soul. Anyone that lives in the north has probably experienced the emotional weight of too many dark, gray days, often referred to as the winter blues. According to a poll taken by the American Psychiatric Association, almost 40% of Americans experience an overall decline in their mood in the winter.

It turns out that the best way to cure the winter blues is to go somewhere sunny and warm. Sure, you can try a lightbox or antidepressants, but they don’t treat the root cause: not enough real sunshine. So, we decided to get to the root cause and cure the problem.

I never thought I would say it but… we have become snowbirds. Well, semi-snowbirds anyway. Mr. U was on board with this idea long before I was. He would talk enthusiastically about spending part of our long winters in sunshine. I drug my feet. I love to travel, but I tend to be a homebody, close to most of my peeps. He was tired of the cold, gray winters being stuck inside (unless you were outside moving snow). So, I kept an open mind as we tested out different potential destinations. Last winter we finally decided on one and took the plunge into being Snowbirds.

Taking the plunge can lead to fun surprises, like the turtle that photobombed my picture.

Choosing a destination to snowbird

We were not totally starting from scratch. We had visited several warm winter destinations over the years and had narrowed our search down to San Diego, Arizona or Florida as potential places. If you are considering the plunge into the snowbird lifestyle, there are some key factors to consider:

  • Climate during the winter months. Do they get a lot of tropical storms or rain? Is it warm enough there in the winter months?
  • Initial cost of investment. How much do you want to spend on a second home? What are the HOA’s? Is it in an area that you could sell later and probably get a good return on your investment?
  • Travel time and expense to get back and forth. We did not want to spend a lot of time and money on travel, especially if we were going to go back and forth several times in the winter months.
  • Rent potential. Can you rent it out in the months you don’t use it to offset expenses? Arizona is not a travel destination in the summer months, but the Phoenix area is big so we knew people would need to be there anyway. I set up an account with Furnished Finder and was able to rent it out for six months over the summer to traveling professionals.
  • Distance from family and friends. This was very important to me. I wanted to be able to go back and forth easily and have it close enough that family could come visit for a get-a-way.
  • Things to do in the area. Our home up north is in a small city surrounded by trees, lakes and mountains, so we did not need a rural get-a-way place. We thought the contrast of living in a big city would be fun. There are numerous festivals, sporting events and activities going on all winter.

Why Arizona? It checked most of the boxes for us, particularly being a quick direct flight from home so we could go back and forth easier.

The ups and downs of snowbirding

We have only done this for a few weeks, so I am speaking as a novice, but I already see some clear advantages and disadvantages of being a semi-snowbird. I say “semi” because we only plan to go for a few weeks at a time and then return home for a few weeks. That way we can stay connected to our life up north. Also, a couple of our grandkids are in winter sports, and we wanted to make sure we could attend some of their events.

We do not want to miss too many opportunities to watch our oldest grandson wrestle. His dad (our son #2) is also one of his coaches.
And we don’t want to miss too many of our oldest granddaughter’s gymnastic events.
And these two are at the ages that I feel like they grow bigger every single day.

Several people asked me if we really wanted to leave our new home up north when we were just beginning to nest there. No, from that perspective I did not. But I was also looking forward to getting away from the cold, gray days. It feels like being torn between two lovers (not that I would know what that feels like from personal experience).😊 When I told Mr. U that analogy, he was not amused.

I love our new home up north and we are just settling in, but the sunshine and freedom from responsibilities calls me. When we are in Arizona, there is no rushing or push/pull on our time. We bask in the sunshine, walk and/or ride bikes every day and get to eat al fresco, but… I do miss my tribe.

January in Arizona.
Warm evenings in February.

If not now, when?

Retirement is full of options and possibilities. It is unlike any other time in your life. You get to curate a lifestyle that fills you without being tethered to a job. What does your dream retirement look like and are you living it? It takes careful consideration and then the willingness to jump in, sometimes half blind.

So, whether you are considering buying an RV and traveling for months at a time, starting an Etsy shop, getting a place to snowbird, or just renting a booth at the Farmer’s market to sell the tomato plants you propagated yourself, do it now, while you can. Be open to the opportunities that life brings your way. You can always change if/when that choice no longer suits you. It is easy to let fear get in the way, but if not now, when?

Exhale.

Things I Did Not Expect About Aging

Posted on by The Retired Alchemist

Years ago, most of us thought through our careers, whether we wanted to raise family, and what we wanted to do in our spare time. However, we gave little thought to our lives after we were old enough to retire. We have all seen the advertisements of gorgeous gray-haired couples smiling at each other and we just assumed that would be us “someday.” Well, someday is here and that advertisement forgot to tell you about the changes you did not expect.

Things I did not expect about an aging body

When we are young, we feel immortal. We never really think about the fact that someday we will get wrinkles laugh lines around our eyes, that our underarms will wiggle like a scoop of grape jelly, or that our fat cells will migrate overnight causing our waistline to vanish. We would roll our eyes as we waited for older people to try and remember the name of the restaurant they ate at last night. Now… we are them.

Aging happens to everyone that is fortunate enough to live that long. It is a natural process. I knew it. I anticipated it. I just didn’t fully expect it to happen to me. I mean I knew I would look older, but in a firm, youthful way. 😊 The media tells you that if you use their “anti-aging” cream, eat a plant-based diet, get the tuck, lift weights and exercise for five hours every day, that you don’t have to look older. Hogwash. It may help, but gravity happens.

The good news is that it matters less. I am not saying we “let ourselves go” and don’t care. If you are still upright, you usually care about your health and how you present yourself to the world. I remember my mom at 85, fussing about her hairstyle. What I am saying is that we care less about the parts of our aging bodies that we can’t control. Instead, we appreciate and care more about how our body functions and carries us through life. I did not expect this.

Things I did not expect about health

We worry about our health more. You take your health for granted when you are young. But as we get older, we recognize that our body is fragile and no one is immune to health issues. We have seen it in friends, family and celebrities. Every new age spot becomes a concern for skin cancer. Every bout of diarrhea causes us to worry about colon cancer. Every sniffle could be pneumonia. Every aching joint, arthritis. Good grief. We could become obsessed with it. And we do.

Have you ever noticed that when a group of older adults get together, every conversation eventually turns to health issues? We share war stories and scars, compare symptoms and debate the best surgeons in the area. There are complaints about the rising cost of supplemental insurances and whether you should include eye and dental. One of the advantages of spending time with our peers is that we can compare notes and learn from each other regarding common health issues. There is comfort in knowing others are experiencing similar things. The problem is when you discuss it… ad nauseum.

The good news is that you appreciate your health more as you age. You recognize that every day is a gift to be lived with joy. There is a deeper awareness of our mortality, which moves us toward a deeper awareness of the beauty of life. I did not expect this.

Things I did not expect about moving at this age

Like most people my age, I have moved several times over my life. Therefore, I expected the physical challenges of packing, hauling boxes and unpacking. I even expected some of the emotional challenge of leaving a place that had so many good memories.

What I did not expect was the confusion of living in a new environment. I can’t decide if this is due to living in one place for so long or because we are much older doing this move. It doesn’t help that we moved into two new homes over the past year. But now it takes me twice as long to do anything because I have to stop and think about where I put it.

I made zucchini bread the other day and I had to open three cupboard doors before I found the grater. I can’t remember which light switch goes to which light. Do they really need to make this many light switches? (But come to think of it, I never really figured that out the light switches in our previous home either.)

But the biggest surprise was that we have to develop new routines. Things that were automatic take thought and a small decision now. Where are we going to sit when we have our morning coffee? Are we going to eat dinner at the table, the kitchen island or in the living room chairs? Where do I set my purse when I walk in the door? These things were automatic in our old home of 24 years, but now they take thinking. I did not expect this.

Things I did not expect about my emotions

No one warned me that I would feel more deeply as I got older. I am a nurse, I raised four kids, and I have experienced enough emotions to last me a lifetime. But maybe those years just left me more raw… more aware of the beautiful, scary, fragile world we live in.

Tears of joy and appreciation can spill out unexpectedly when I look at a beautiful sunset. Tears of sadness surface when I see a complete stranger struggling to walk down the street. I hurt more for the world that our grandkids will one day inherit. I feel this amazing life we lead on a deeper level. I did not expect this.

Things I did not expect about my soul

It takes years of living and soul searching to find your center. If you put in the work of introspection, you will find your soul more at peace. We realize that we can’t control other people, we can’t control the weather, we can’t control most outcomes, so we learn to accept. And with acceptance, comes freedom.

I am still learning to lower my expectations so that I am wonderfully surprised by life. I am trying to open my schedule to allow more precious hours for the things that make my heart sing. Of course I am still a work in progress, but my soul is more centered. I did not expect this.

Aging is the gift I did not expect

Growing older is a privilege that not everyone gets to experience. It is a challenge, but it is also a beautiful ride that I would not want to miss. Aging brings you full circle. Children look at the world with wonder and awe and now, after years of pushing and pulling through life, I do too again. I did not expect this.

“The ride was worth the fall. The fall was worth the smiles. The smiles were worth the tears. Tears were worth the miles. Miles were worth the pain. Pain was worth it all. It’s all worth this life. Life is worth the ride. The ride is worth the fall.”

Lyrics to the song The Fall by Cody Johnson.