Parental warning:  foul language ahead.

There are so many things I enjoy about retirement.  Some expected, like slow mornings where I am not shaken to life by an alarm clock, and some are unexpected.  The unexpected things have been fun surprises that unfold before me.  But beyond a shadow of a doubt, the most unexpected aspect of retirement is that I have settled into myself.  For lack of a better term, I have become more my “authentic” self without pretense.

I am hearing it from my women friends.  I am hearing it from women readers.  And I am feeling it myself.  Somewhere in the busyness of our lives, we lose sight of who we are and what we love to do.  I think that it gets buried under the roles, expectations, and responsibilities we take on.  I chose and loved those roles, but by the time you meet all of the expectations and responsibilities associated with them, there isn’t much time or energy left for yourself.  I suspect that this is true for men as well, but I can only speak from my perspective. 

What is it about retirement that frees us up to be more ourselves?  More satisfied with who we are.  More comfortable in our own skin.  Why now, in our 50’s and 60’s, in the sunset of our lives? I am sure a lot of it comes with the wisdom of age, but I can’t help but think that retirement plays a big part in that as well.  If that is the case, then what is it about working that prevents us from being truly ourselves?  What is it about aging and this newfound freedom in retirement that releases our inner child?  I think it boils down to that one word…freedom.   

Time freedom

We finally have the extra hours in the week to do those things that we wanted to but never had the time for.  We get to explore neglected parts of ourselves that got shoved on a shelf because we could not fit it into our busy lives.  We are free to explore long, forgotten interests.  We are also free to explore new aspects of ourselves.  Maybe you have always wanted to learn Spanish or play the guitar.  Now you have the time to do that.  I have always had an interest in writing and considered writing a blog long before I retired.  Once I retired, I had the time to delve into it and this blog was born.  It is scary and vulnerable to put yourself out there where you are subject to other’s scrutiny. You have to get past that fear (which I still feel a little bit when I hit the “publish” button). This leads right into the next freedom…

Freedom from what others think

In retirement, I am free from having to fit into the expectations of others.  The last several years of my career I was in administration at our local college.  All student and faculty issues in my division landed on my desk.  After more than a few errors in judgement, you learn the art of diplomacy quickly.  People would often comment on my calm approach under pressure.  I called it practicing my “non-shocked” look.  You learn to mask your opinions and bring them up in a more diplomatic manner.  It is a wonder I did not bite my tongue off holding back on what I felt like saying.  Maybe, sometimes, what I should have gone ahead and spoke. 

“She silently stepped out of a race that she never wanted to be in, found her own lane, and proceeded to win.”

Pam Lambert

For women in leadership roles, if you speak your mind, you are considered a bitch and if you don’t, you are considered weak and indecisive.   You are always trying to walk that line. In retirement, the pressure to walk that fine line is off.    Please note, that I am not suggesting we totally lose our filter; we all know grumpy old people that have done that, and I do NOT want to be one of them.  However, we don’t have to worry about people judging us anymore. So what if someone does not like what you said or did? What are they going to do…fire you?

Freedom from role expectations

You learn to modify and bend who you are to fit into the expectations for the roles you hold in life.  The work environment has certain expectations of how you should behave and dress in order to fit in and be effective.  You express yourself in a more professional manner.  It is part of the expectation of the job.  You also partially modify who you are in order to be a good role model for your kids.  How many times have you felt like telling off the mean kid that hurt your child or an unreasonable teacher but stopped yourself because you wanted to model constraint to your children.   Or held your tongue when you wanted to cuss at a rude, narcissistic driver, but didn’t because your children and their friends were in the car.  Once we are no longer an employee and our children are adults, we release ourselves from these expectations.  We are free to be ourselves without worrying about the effect it will have on others. Of course, as mentioned above, this is not a free license to be a rude, unkind person. Kindness matters. It is encouragement to be more yourself. Except in the car. You can still cuss at narcissistic drivers.

Freedom from the illusion of perfection

I think most of us have strived for that elusive goal of perfection:  the perfect mother, perfect wife, perfect employee, perfect daughter, perfect body, perfect home…the list goes on and on.  Now I am becoming perfectly OK with being imperfectly myself.  Such freedom.  I look back on all the roles I juggled and my determination to do them all perfectly, and it exhausts me.  I think we should always strive to be our best selves, but when is it good enough?   In my younger years I would never make a quick trip to the grocery store without full-on makeup. Now I realize that people will still speak to me, and the store clerks will still wait on me even if I don’t have an ounce of make-up on, am wearing old sweats, and have my hair pulled back (and not in one of those cute messy twists). Now I feel freer to be my unique self, warts and all.  No apologies.  Accepting ourselves for who we are is wonderfully freeing.  

“If tomorrow, women woke up and decided they really liked their bodies, just think how many industries would go out of business.”

Dr. Gail Dines

Freedom from making everyone else happy

I think that women often go through this feeling as they hit their 50’s…. I have heard it described as the “F-you 50’s.”  (I will let you figure out what the “F” stands for.)  I think older women are tired of turning themselves inside out for everyone else’s comfort and happiness.  I willingly and happily did it for years and I would not change that.  But eventually, once the responsibilities lighten up, you have time to reassess.  You hit a wall, and something has to give… and you are not willing to let it be you anymore.  Most women are wired to be givers and nurturers.  We are the ones that give everyone else the coveted middle cinnamon roll or lose precious sleep waiting for a teenager to get home.  We are the ones that will stay with all of the beach stuff so that everyone else can play in the waves.  We are the ones that don’t delegate the despised task at work because we recognize that everyone else is also too overloaded to take it on.  Perhaps, just like giving up the T.V. remote control, we have given up part of ourselves in the process.  Now we are ready to take her back. 

Maybe part of accepting our true selves comes with age, but retirement provides us the freedom and time to really explore it.  Live it.  Indulge in it.  It is one of the great surprises that came with retirement.  It makes me wonder what other wonderful aspects of retirement are still in store.