I seem to be extremely reluctant to commit lately.  Not to relationships, but to anything that requires a weekly, or even a monthly obligation of my time.  Perhaps I should call this “retirement time commitment issues.”  Need me to attend on a weekly basis?  I am out.  Need me to be there every other Monday?  Um, no thanks.  But want to get together for lunch this week?  You bet! 

I have three scheduled commitments every week that I truly enjoy and would not want to give up.  I meet with my dad and sister every Thursday afternoon to have lunch, visit and do any odds and ends that my dad might need help with.  I also meet my BFF on Friday mornings to share a cup of coffee and get caught up on life.  We call it cheap therapy.   Sunday mornings Mr. U and I usually go to church, and sometimes out to breakfast, with son #2 and his family.  All three of these get togethers are enjoyable and are the fuel that keeps our relationships strong.  I would not trade doing them for anything.

However, I do not want to add any other new regularly scheduled commitments.  Right now, I just want more time freedom.  I would love to join a walking group, play Bunco or be in a book club.  I just don’t want to commit to doing it every week, at the same time.  Every single week.  Not right now.  It leaves more time freedom when a friend or family member wants to get together on the spur of the moment, or the grands have a day off from school and want a play date with us, or Mr. U and I decide we want to go for a day trip.  Maybe this is why I am struggling with the commitment of teaching a class a few times a month, as I discussed in a previous post, Have I Failed Retirement?

I just expected that I would have more down time when I retired.  I might be fighting my own personality here, as I naturally gravitate toward piling too much on my plate.  Metaphorically speaking.  (Then again, I probably pile too much on my literal plate too.)  Or maybe busy was a badge I wore to prove that I was valued, needed and important.  After all, isn’t busy considered to be a good thing and not busy is almost equivalent to a sloth.  However, busy is NOT a badge of honor.

Last week I had an out-patient surgery that I have been putting off for over three years; pandemic and all other excuses I could conjure up finally put aside.  Everything went well, but it has forced me to stop.   Stop all activity in order to rest and allow my body to heal.  Pain aside, I was actually looking forward to the imposed inactivity.  Time to finally be a sloth and not feel guilty about wasting time.  It has given me plenty of time to reflect.  I realize that, as I age, I need more open space in my day.  I crave it.  And for some damn reason, I seem to need to give myself permission to do it.  I want more time to ponder.  To lay on my back in the grass and see what cloud formations I can dream up.  I want less push/pull on my days and more “hum, what would I really enjoy doing today?”  I know that we need some structure to our retirement life, but it needs to be loose structure. 

Maybe I am experiencing PTSD from so many years of having my time committed for me.  Working while raising four children, a spouse with a profession that was not your typical 9-5 job, lots of extended family in the area and managing a large home, left little down time to call my own.  I had to make every minute count just to keep everything from tumbling down.   Don’t get me wrong.  I loved those years and am so grateful for them.  I would not have wanted it any other way.  But now I have tasted a little schedule freedom and I want more of it.  I want open days when I let my nose lead me to what I want to do. I want retirement from schedules!   

Lately I seem to want less doing and more being.  My soul needs more White Space.  I hope this is a temporary state, but what if it is not?  What if this is a very normal part of aging: Needing more mind space to ponder.  So, with my enforced down time this week I have come to these conclusions about my time and schedule in retirement:

• Maybe I need a little more sloth time to refuel my creative energies and restore my equilibrium. 
• Maybe I need to give myself permission to relax a little more and not feel like I should constantly be productive.  
• Maybe I need to “schedule” more down time into my days. 
• Maybe sloths aren’t so bad after all. 

Going forward I want to honor my need for an open schedule with more unstructured time.  Like my My WOTY suggests, I want more “awe” moments and that takes slowing down and noticing the beauty that surrounds me. I do not want to have surgery again in order to give myself permission to waste some time.  So, as of today, I am giving myself permission to read a book in the middle of the day or take a nap in the sunshine. Maybe Keith Urban had it right in his song, Wasted Time:

“Ain’t it funny how the best days of my life was all that wasted time.”

On the home front

Speaking of commitments, we got some wonderful news on the home front.   After dating for over two years, son #3 got engaged to a lovely, smart, beautiful, talented young woman.  They make an awesome couple and we are so excited to welcome her into our family.  Fortunately, my son does not have commitment issues!   {Grin}

I hope you have a good week with lots of unstructured time to enjoy retirement life!