This is our year of downsizing. We have lived in this large home for 22 years. We raised our family here. The walls echo with good memories: birthday celebrations, holiday traditions, parties and family time. Our oldest son and his wife got married out here and son #3 & his fiancé are planning to this summer. The property is in a private setting with beautiful mountain views. But it is also a lot to maintain, and now that we are empty nesters, we do not need all of this space anymore. The driveway is long and steep, and Mr. U has to keep it plowed in the winter. It is a 25-minute drive into town. We are ready to downsize, at least physically, if not emotionally.
To start the process, we cleaned out the hoarder’s bonus room recently. It filled the entire truck, both the extended cab and the bed, as well as the back of the car, and we still have another load to go. How does this happen? Four kids, busy jobs and too much stuff is how it happens. First world problems. It feels so freeing to unburden ourselves of all of this #%&$. I am really more of a thrower than a keeper but throwing requires decisions and I am not good at decisions. Decisions like: Will I use this later? Could one of the kids use it eventually? Will it hurt the giver’s feelings if they find it at a thrift store? Or should I sell it at a garage sale next summer? (Which would require keeping it longer.) And what if the giver happens to stop by the garage sale? See, tough decisions.
Our life story in boxes
These past couple weeks Mr. U and I have also been going through all of the memory boxes and pictures, trying to determine what to keep. The process is bittersweet. There are so many happy memories, but it is coupled with the stark awareness that that time of our lives is over and will not happen again. These are hard decisions and I have been accused of “paralysis by analysis” a few times in my life, which does not help. So, I have identified two questions to I ask myself when I am trying to decide what memorabilia to keep:
Will I ever want to go through this stuff again myself?
Do I want my kids to have to go through this after I pass?
If the answer to both of those questions is “probably not,” then it needs to go. Tough, but necessary choices and these two questions make it a little easier to decide.
Some of the memorabilia we have hauled around with us for over 40 years includes two shoeboxes full of letters we wrote to each other when we were dating. We lived in two different towns, and this was back when you had to pay by the minute for long distance phone calls. (If you could get the gabby neighbors to get off of the party line so that you could make a call. If you know, you know.) Consequently, we wrote a lot of letters. For the past few weeks, we have been pulling our chairs up to the fireplace in the evenings and reading our letters out loud to each other. We laughed and reminisced but then we had to decide if the letter was worth keeping or not. The criterion is that it has to tell part of the story from that time in our lives. If not, it gets tossed into the fire. The advantage of the fire is that we can’t change our minds and pull it out. What is decided is decided. The fire is also pretty warm and cozy to pull up to on these cold winter nights. Hygge Anyone?
Heirlooms and sentimental items
It is the sentimental and heirloom pieces that I have the most difficult time releasing. I clearly need to read Marie Kondo’s book again. Our families on both sides have given us a lot of nice heirlooms that we really, honestly, do not need or have room for anymore. However, we feel responsible to keep them. After all, we are maintaining the family history. Not keeping ALL of the items feels like turning our backs on our roots. There are several heirloom pieces that I love and want to keep, but many of them are really not me and don’t fit in with our style. Our stuff can be suffocating. I think that the stuff we surround ourselves with, subconsciously, defines us. Decorating with too many items that are not what we would choose can pigeonhole us into an environment that doesn’t feed our souls. We spend a lot of time in our homes, and we want them to make our hearts sing when we are in them.
The secret life of our stuff…
This year I am vowing to honor my authentic self a little more. Quit living my life as I think everyone else wants or expects of me and start living it as more of a reflection of my true self. I also want to surround myself with what nurtures my soul and makes me smile. Purge and release the stuff that weighs me down with expectations.
In releasing stuff, we are also releasing burdens to be someone we are not anymore. We grow. We evolve. And change is a part of growth. We are not the same person we were 20 years ago. For the first 15 years of our married life, I decorated similar to how my mom did. It was what I was familiar and comfortable with and… there were all of those lovely hand me downs. But now, after all of these years and more than a few poor decorating decisions (a pastel floral couch and loveseat come to mind), I am finally figuring out what items I love and make me happy to be around. As we all know, true pleasure does not come from our stuff, but it is what we spend a lot of our time looking at and cleaning, so we want it to reflect who we are now and what we enjoy. We want our eyes and souls to smile when we look at, use or clean it. Of course, there are a few sentimental pieces I still want to keep. Besides, I want to burden pass down some of them to my sons and their wives. And the cycle of stuff goes on.
What do you need to release in your life that is keeping you from being fully yourself?
Your words resound in our current conversations. In four weeks we will go through my mother’s last storage room. In it are letters, pictures, clothing items from 1890-1980. As one of the two historians in the family, it is brutal. “We” are all in our sixty and seventies with “stuff” of our own. “We” also have a combined ten mid career children, many with spouses and children (and style) of their own. So far none of the next generation are interested in most anything.
Tough call! You have some creative solutions. My husband ( and “kids”) continually say, “Take nothing but pictures”. I’m not promising anything….I still have to downsize our attic!
Hi Janette –
I feel your pain! I imagine it will be bittersweet going through your mom’s last storage room. Stuff from the 1890’s though – WOW. And then there is the attic… I wish you the best as you tackle the decisions. Let me know if you come up with any helpful ways to decide on all of the stuff.
Oh, this resonates! I have parted with a little but still need to clean out more! And, Steve! He is truly a packrat. I do love my home. I too have made some poor decorating decisions over the years (a blue plaid couch comes to my mind), but for the most part, my current environment makes me happy. I am curious to hear about your new home!
Hi Karen –
A comfy, pleasing home environment does sooth our souls in a hectic world. A blue plaid couch…ouch. (Sharing our worst decorating decisions would be a fun party conversation.) I am curious about our new home as well! It is still about a year out. Probably just as well since it will take us that long to go through all this stuff. Tell Steve to quit pack-ratting…for the kids’ sake.
Wow, this one hit pretty close to home as we are also downsizing and moving into a smaller place this summer. Being the youngest of five children, I have had many hand me downs— from my siblings and my parents. My children have always teased that nothing is mine and to some extent, they are correct. When my mom suffered her second stroke we got rid of most of her belongings knowing that she would never be moving back home and being the youngest I was the recipient of many of the things that my older siblings had a hard time getting rid of or letting go, but now it’s my turn. Our son just moved to Alaska and will never be the recipient of any larger belongings and our daughter tells me she doesn’t care about any of “the things.” She is a minimalist at age 18. It’s emotional somehow for me. I know I need to get rid of things, but there is fear that I will at some point miss them or wish that I did not get rid of them. One item is coming up soon, a chair that my grandmother passed away in. It’s been in my possession for 30+ years somehow I’m having a hard time letting go. Somebody suggested that I take photos of all my belongings as I purge them. That way I can look at the photos and reminisce in the end. I know they will don’t want my children to have to go through my belongings as they don’t seem to treasure them the way our generation did. Thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone in my thoughts!
Hi Kathy –
I think a lot of us baby boomers are feeling this same pain right now. Reading Marie Kondo’s book did help me. She also recommends taking pictures of items and then releasing them. I find it interesting that the vast majority of the younger generation do not want us to pass on our “stuff” to them. Smart kids. I wish you the best as you tackle the decisions ahead of you. That chair would be a tough one for me too. Stay strong!
So many of us are in the same boat. While we aren’t planning on moving anytime soon, we have too much stuff and need to get rid of it. We can’t even blame it on the kids since we don’t have any 🙂 I can blame some of it on my parents, though. I still have a few of their things and I’m not sure how to let them go. I don’t want them, but I want them to go to someone who will appreciate them.
I keep a donate box up in our master bedroom that I am forever adding too. I find that if I can’t let go of something one week, I may be able to let go the next… it sort of depends on my current mood.
Good luck!
Hi Janis –
You hit the nail on the head regarding items from our parents. I too want them to go to someone who will appreciate them. Funny thing is, I think my mom felt that way as well, which is why she passed the items down to us. The cycle of stuff. (Getting rid of items is totally mood dependent for me as well…sigh.)
I need to release the self-imposed obligation I feel to hang on to family “treasures.” My mom moved from her home to a supportive living setting never to return to the home she had lived in for 60+ years. I was tasked with purging her house of things big & small, including 30 yrs of greeting cards bundled with elastics that broke when I removed them & 15 yrs of utility bills neatly filed. To my mom’s credit, she had done quite a bit of culling prior to dementia setting in. My sister & I went through pictures of people & places we didn’t recognize. I’m getting very good at discarding things that have no use or appeal to me to the point that I culled my own photos. How many pictures of ex-husbands does one need?! I need to listen to my son when he says, “Mother (in that tone), throw it out!” Pragmatism serves me well for the most part. The words of an aunt ring in my ear when I was showing off a scrapbook project – no one will care about those when you’re gone. I thought it was harsh but I’ve come to see the truth in the statement. It also prompted me to think about purchases in a new way. Do I really need or want the item or will it be just one more thing for my son to discard? We all have too much “stuff”. Remember George Carlin’s bit on stuff?
Hi Mona –
Going through your mom’s place sounds like a huge task. Your comment about the greeting cards “bundled in elastics” is giving me courage to throw out a few more letters and cards. When we had to clean out my in-laws’ homestead house we found bags of clipped hair. They grew up in the depression era and saved everything, just in case. I was not familiar with George Carlin’s piece on stuff so I had to look it up. Does that ever hit the nail on the head in a painful, humorous way!