The sandwich years. Most of us experience them at some point in our lives. They are those years when we are pulled between caring for children and caring for aging parents. Or, for those of us that experience the good fortune of having our parents live long enough, the sandwich years may be the push/pull between being involved with our grown children and grandchildren’s lives and caring for our aging parents. Either way, it is a tug of war with our time and energy. Not to mention our heart.

These are people that we care deeply about and want to spend time with. People that we want to give the best of ourselves to. But we run short on hours and energy. We spread ourselves too thin and it leaves precious little time to nurture ourselves. Then, we are no longer giving our best selves to them. We are just giving little fragments of ourselves. Finding the balance is key. It is like finding the balance to the ingredients for a perfect sandwich. Not all of the amounts are equal, but when they come together, they make a fulfilling whole.

Creating a quality sandwich

When we are in the caregiver role, we want to make a difference. We want to do something that matters and makes them feel better, either physically or emotionally. After all, we would not be doing this if we did not have the best of intentions and want to take good care of our loved ones. However, some things are more meaningful and have a greater impact than others. So, I thought I would share a few tips that have worked for me, both as a nurse and as someone who has spent a lot of time caring for children and aging parents.

• When you are with them, make it quality. Give them total focus and let it be about them. For elders, it means asking questions and listening to their responses. Encourage them to share their life stories…. again, and again. It gives them the opportunity to review their life and find meaning. It is an important part of the closure process. Let them know how their presence in your life has changed you, or what it has meant to you. Share with them what you are grateful for about them. If it is a child, look them in the eye. Same thing – ask open ended questions and listen. Their responses will be much shorter and be prepared to laugh. Remember Art Linkletter’s show, Children Say the Darndest and Wildest Things?

• Sit down. When I was teaching nursing at the college I tried to stress to my students the importance of quality time with their patients. To drive this home, I told them about a research study that was performed with patients that were in the hospital. In the first group, the physicians would come in and spend ten minutes with the patient. They would stand the entire time. In the second group the physicians spent the same 10 minutes with the patient, but they sat down next to them during their visit. Afterwards, both groups of patients were asked how long the physician stayed. As expected, the first group said, about 10 minutes. But, when the second group was asked the same question, they said about 20 minutes. It felt twice as long when the physicians just sat down and looked their patients in the eye. Enough said.

• Breaking bread together. Sharing food is connection, no matter what your age. After over 72 years of sharing meals with my mom, it was hard for my dad to eat alone. He always enjoys it when we sit down and eat with him. And what little one doesn’t love a special treat, like going out for ice-cream or spreading a blanket on the grass and having a picnic together? Time shared over food bonds people. Always has.

• Meaningful touch. People need human touch. Particularly the elderly because they do not experience it as often. A gentle hand on the arm, a warm embrace or holding a fragile hand in your own can calm the nervous system by lowering cortisol (the stress hormone) and releasing oxytocin and dopamine (our feel-good hormones). There have been copious amounts of research on the importance of human touch. A lack of human touch can contribute to anxiety, depression and a lowered immune system. So, reach out, even if it feels awkward or uncomfortable at first.

• Care for the caregiver. This is last on the list, but certainly not least. Take time away for yourself. Intentionally choose to do something that refreshes your mind and spirit. As the old sayings goes, you cannot pour from an empty cup. Make sure to take time to process your feelings, because you don’t want to hold them in and get all clogged up inside. With aging parents, we often have feelings of anxiety, guilt or fear. It helps to release them. This can be done through journaling, prayer or just talking to someone you trust. You may have to set boundaries on when you are available. Even if they do not push the boundaries, we often do it ourselves. When you leave, it helps to let them know when you will be back and then stick to it.

The circle of life

Spending time with my one-year-old grandson and then going to see my 99-year-old dad, has given me an abrupt awareness of the circle of life. (They are seen together in the above feature photo.) Both give me so much. I am richer in spirit by being with both my dad and my grands. Spending time with our aging parents teaches us wisdom, patience and an awareness of the fragility of life. Being with our grandchildren balances the equation and teaches us to see the world with awe, laughter, fun and excitement for the future. Both of them teach us the significance of deep love, and the awareness to appreciate every moment… to find wonder in the little things. And as tiring and exhausting as it can be, I always walk away knowing that I received much more than I gave.