It takes years to become who we really are, who we were always meant to be.  I received the height of compliments recently from a lovely you lady at the wedding reception.  She was beautiful, smart, thin and had the world ahead of her.  “I want to be like you,” she said.  Of course, she didn’t mean it literally, but rather she saw something she wanted in her life.  Never mind that she already had a couple drinks… I will take a compliment where I can get one.   

Why would a lovely young woman in her last year of college, with her whole world ahead of her, want to be like a woman in her sixties with crow’s feet and silver in her hair?  It gave me a new appreciation for where I am at in life right now. Much as I would like to think so, it was not me she wanted to emulate.  It was more about becoming a woman who is happy and comfortable in her own skin.  An older woman who is not afraid to dance and belt out the words to a favorite song, regardless of what others think.  It is about becoming who we are and loving it.  I know because I was that young woman once.  I would look at older women who seemed to have it all together and think, that is what I want my life to be someday. 

I graciously thanked her for the compliment, but what I wanted to tell her is that you cannot rush the process.  Growing up to be yourself takes years.  She saw four grown-up sons who are handsome, intelligent, talented and thoughtful.  What she did not see were the years of giving up your own needs, dishing out difficult discipline and sleepless nights on my knees.  She saw a nice, comfortable home in the country.  What she did not see were all the years of scrimping and saving to pay for it.  She saw a woman who had finished a successful career.  What she did not see were the years of climbing out of bed to an early alarm clock to trudge off to work, leaving a mildly sick child with someone else while I went off to the hospital to care for seriously sick people.  She saw a loving, fun, creative husband.  What she did not see were the years of compromises, the arguments that sharpened us, or the times of putting the other first that it takes to build a marriage of 42 years. 

It reminds me of the story of the Velveteen Rabbit when the wise old, worn Skin Horse on the toy shelf answers the Velveteen Rabbit’s question, “What is real?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.” “Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit. “Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.” “Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?” “It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

Margery Williams

The gift of the 3rd act in life

I listened to a TED talk by Jane Fonda recently, titled Life’s Third Act.   She addressed the fact that we are experiencing a longevity revolution, as people now live 34 more years than our great grandparents did.  That is a gift of three more decades!  We don’t want to live our 3rd act, that starts after your 60^th birthday, in depression and emotional decline.  Fonda states that the human spirit continues to evolve as we age.  She uses the metaphor of aging as a staircase, with an upward ascension of the human spirit, that can happen regardless of physical challenges.   This is a change from the current metaphor of aging as an arch or bell curve; you are born, peak at midlife and then spend the rest of your life declining.  While our physical bodies continue to follow this bell curve, our emotions and mind do not need to.  Instead, Fonda describes a powerful sense of well-being that people often experience in their 3rd act of life.   She claims that you become more yourself as you age.  When we are younger, we are the subjects and objects of other people’s lives, but in our 3rd act we can redefine ourselves.  It is an opportunity to let the human spirit flourish and in doing so, we become whole. We become Real. And we become an example to younger generations of the beauty and value of this 3rd act in life. 

It takes years of living to file down the rough edges of ourselves. But eventually, over time, it leaves a smooth patina that is mellowed, happy and grateful for every day. Now is the phase of life that we reap the rewards of all the sacrifices and hard work. It takes time to learn to accept, love and honor our true selves. We don’t have fresh skin, firm underarms, or silky hair anymore, but we have something so much better. We have the beauty of age. A strength that runs deep in our veins. We have become stronger than we ever thought we were capable of. We have lived through some tough periods in our lives and we are still here. We are still breathing and laughing and thriving in the sunset of our lives.

On the home front

June 21st marked the first day of summer. There are several rituals that signify the beginning of summer for me.  One of my favorites is my first trip to the Farmers Market.  I needed some more basil plants, so I set off on Saturday morning to visit our local Farmers Market.  It is a feast for the senses. 

Have a wonderful week!